Signs You’re Holding Too Much: Boundaries for the Overgiver
Do you find yourself always being the one others turn to, but rarely having space to fall apart yourself? If you're the emotional anchor for everyone else, chances are you're holding too much. And it’s costing you more than you think.
What Does Holding Too Much Look Like?
Feeling responsible for others’ emotions or outcomes
Struggling to say no, even when you're depleted
Overextending your energy out of guilt or fear
Feeling resentful or invisible in your relationships
Why Overgiving Happens
Often rooted in early attachment patterns or people-pleasing tendencies, overgiving is a protective strategy. It can feel safer to meet everyone else's needs than risk conflict, rejection, or perceived failure.
💡 Toni Herbine-Blank’s Caretaking Cycle in IFS shows how protectors over-function when vulnerability or worthlessness feels intolerable.
The Impact of Overgiving
Burnout, emotional exhaustion, and compassion fatigue
Loss of identity outside of roles
Chronic stress and dysregulation
How to Set Boundaries That Actually Support You
Name what you're holding: Write down what emotional, physical, or energetic responsibilities you’re carrying for others.
Feel into your limit: Notice what “too much” feels like in your body. Where do you tighten or collapse?
Practice micro-boundaries: Say “let me get back to you” or block off time for yourself in your calendar.
Use embodied boundary language: “I want to honour this, but I can’t in a way that feels kind to both of us.”
Closing Thoughts
You’re allowed to be supported. You’re allowed to rest. You don’t have to earn your worth by holding everyone else together.
If this resonates, you may benefit from trauma-informed therapy or reflective supervision that centres your needs and nervous system. I’d love to walk alongside you.
References:
Herbine-Blank, T. et al. (2015). Intimacy from the Inside Out
Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score